Friday, April 27, 2012


I know this is going to sound kind of morbid & I guess in a way it is. I'm really not sure where I'm going with this post but it's just one of those things that I've got to get out so I can move on.

This week as each day has gone by I've had more & more time with my heart doing it's BS flip flopping crap. Yesterday was worse than the day before etc & as I lay in bed last night trying to sleep it kept skipping beats & I kept finding myself gasping for air or starting to cough because my chest felt tight & I just didn't feel right.

I'm honestly not sure which part of everything lately made me think of it but for some reason I wondered if I would wake up in the morning. I found the fact that I wondered this kind of odd, but not because it's freaky & morbid & why would anyone ever want to even think of that, but because after the constant heart problems since March 2011 that this was the first time I actually wondered that.

During my entire pregnancy there was hardly a day that went by that my heart wasn't doing all sorts of crazy things making me feel like I was going to pass out, fall over, etc. I've even made comments on days when Keegan was driving me crazy & stressing me out while my heart was giving me problems that "I think he's trying to kill me" but I never really thought about it completely seriously like I did last night.

I can't help but wonder if part of it is because in my post yesterday titled Fate, I mentioned my great grandpa. Yes, he was over 80 when he passed, he'd had a long life, but his passing was completely unexpected. He was incredibly healthy, completely in control of his faculties, still going strong the way I remember my entire life when suddenly he got sick. He had been in the hospital for over a month but was making a good recovery, everyone including the doctors expected him to go home & then suddenly he took a turn for the worse.

It was May 2009, the day after my last baby shower for Keegan, when he passed. I will never forget the last words that he said to me. He said, "I wish I could have seen him".

I've lost a lot of my grandparents (I had 9 grandmothers I remember & 6 grandfathers) in the last 10-12yrs and none hit me quite as hard as his passing. I think it was for a combination of reasons. Though he was my great-grandpa he was so much a part of my life that I never even thought of him as a "great" grandpa, he was my grandpa. All of my grandparents that passed before him & since him were in poor health for quite some time or had developed terminal illnesses. Also he was the 2nd of my grandparents to pass while I was pregnant with Keegan. I am the oldest grandchild, great-grandchild etc on every side of my family but 1. Keegan was the 1st grandchild, great-grandchild & great-great grandchild to be born in my entire family.

My great-grandma had been terminally ill for over a year, when she was first diagnosed she was only given 6 months to live but she kept on. She finally lost her fight a few weeks after we found out that Keegan was a boy. We knew pretty much from the onset of my pregnancy that she would not live to see the baby but no one ever considered the possibility that my great-grandpa wouldn't.

I guess thinking about him & the suddenness of his passing & what a dramatic & tragic affect it had on my family made me think about the fact that none of us know how much time we have. Our time here on earth truly is precious. You can't take any one single moment for granted because you never know when it will be your last.

As I lay in bed last night wondering if I would wake up in the morning I thought about my life. I asked myself if I was happy & content with my life. I am happy to report that I am pretty happy & content. There are still things that I want to do but I've had a good life. I have the best husband that a girl could ask for & the cutest, sweetest little boys. They all may drive me crazy at times but they are my family & what I always dreamed of.

I am so happy & thankful for all that I have. No matter what happens I truly feel blessed. I really do believe that everything happens for a reason so in a way I am thankful for this crappy heart crap because it has given me a year at home with Keegan & 6 months and 7 days of being with Kaden every single day only separated for a few hours each day. Even on days like today when 1 or both of them may make me feel like pulling my hair out, this time is so precious to me. I would not trade this time with my family for anything in the world.

Moments like this when you are faced with your own mortality are a blessing because if you did not already, they make you examine your life, what you have & where your priorities are & give you the opportunity to make sure your priorities are in the right places & you appreciate & cherish what you have.

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